Evolution: The Time Loop I was in.....

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For the longest time, I felt I was stuck. Like my life hadn’t moved on. It was a beautiful life full of certainty, love and timelines. You expect your life to go a certain way, and then the opposite happens. 

You think you understand this, this transition while u still hold on to the conventional philosophy of what life should have in store for you. But it doesn’t and in fact, the opposite happens. You get stuck in this infinite loop and you don’t understand why, till one video or msg or book jars your attention and you break. You spend the night crying because God knows you needed a good cry and then you blog about it at 2:30 in the night because that’s all you know to do when you need to let it out. 

I was stuck in such a loop till it hit me I was holding on, subconsciously to my life and keeping myself in status quo for the fear of moving ahead in a different direction than what I had envisioned for myself. I would say I didn’t need a man or I needed independence all the while scared of any change life threw at me. My subconscious was fighting my consciousness which created almost crippling anxiety. I started creating patterns for myself which were a reflection of me but I couldn’t see it. I didn’t want to move forward so everything reflected that e.g I wouldn’t be able to finish tasks or stick to any commitment I made to myself or others. This affected every part of my life my career and my personal life. Towards the end, it manifested in the most blatant ways like I couldn’t finish a book or write a blog. The anxiety overwhelmed me until I realised what was going on. 

I was up in the night trying to sleep but my pounding heart wouldn’t let me. I kept thinking of my parents and how they are getting old, how my business seems stuck. The more I thought about this the faster my heart began to race so I watched Facebook and Instagram videos for three hours straight. But my mind would always wander back. And then it dawned on me. My parents are going to grow older as time goes by. There is nothing.... absolutely nothing I or anyone can do about it. And that’s when the entire castle of cards came tumbling down. 

The final realisation that I will age and grow old too. There is nothing I can do to stop that so I am living the life I was when I was 27. Over five years have gone by and I have held on to my adolescences and denial. 

When I truly understood what this actually meant, it felt like a burden that had just been lifted and everything seemed a lot clearer. I am not completely at peace but I know what I need to do to get there: 

  1. Accept my journey for what it is and move through life with grace. 
  2. Truly understand that time moves on and life will continue to evolve even if you aren’t ready for it.
  3. When you learn to let go and accept your reality peace is inevitable.

I know that this might seem overly dramatic but ones’ reluctance to accept a reality that is different from what you fashioned is tougher than we think. True acceptance will bring peace and that will turn in to fortitude. 


Until next time always remember to Smile, Breathe and Go Slowly......

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